The Hermit Vs. Anxiety

Do you ever run into those people who just seem unflappable? Like, someone could be yelling in their face, and this person is not only responding calmly and with kindness, but also has the presence of mind to understand where the angry person might be coming from, and know that the angry person’s anger isn’t their fault or responsibility. I think a lot of the time, we accuse the calm people in this scenario of not standing up for themselves, but what if there’s more to it than that? What if we could move through stressful interactions with other humans, grounded in the fact that whatever the other person is going through, that their reactions and emotions are “not our cat,” and consequently are able to keep our cool in the face of another’s madness? What if, in those moments of conflict, we could remember that the only thing we can control is our own reactions, responses, actions and words?

Regardless of what is in front of us, we still need to move through it, and we have a choice – we can sink into anxiety, letting fear rule our lives, or we can remind ourselves of our breath, find our feet and know that the situation at hand does not define our lives or who we are. More importantly, we can decide not to let the fear have control. We have the power to build skills and techniques that calm us and even allow us to feel joy, and to create an eye in the storm for ourselves, where everything swirls around us at top speed, but we remain grounded, calm (and maybe even joyful?) in the center. 

In my own life, one thing I’m being asked to explore this year is stillness and breath. Interestingly, my life in general has never been still, nor has it had much room for breath. Something you may not know about me is that I struggle with severe anxiety. As a result, I often find that I am easily distracted in moments of stillness and breath, as if some part of me doesn’t actually want those things – although my conscious self absolutely does want to slow down, be present and enjoy stillness when I am able to find it, and most importantly - not worry so much all the time (ALL the TIME).

This may all seem easier said than done, and I’m here to tell you that that is true - it *is* easier said than done. However, when things are less chaotic – dare I say more calm – if we can incorporate practicing intentional stillness and breath, we are more likely to remember to stay grounded when we are moving through chaos. An analogy for my dance friends could be how we practice our drills and technique in class or at home as regularly as we can, so that when we get on stage - under pressure – our body can remember what to do, even if we are scared shitless with stage fright, we are able to set the fear aside and perform because *our body remembers what to do*. 

Building intentional stillness, like drilling complicated movement, is similar to building muscle memory.  It is a skill, and why we often refer to it as a practice – a lifelong practice of stillness and breath. The more we practice, the more effective the practice becomes, the more benefits we experience from the practice, and the easier a thing becomes.

One of my favorite ways to find stillness and breath in a stressful situation is a technique I have come to rely on daily (sometimes multiple times a day) to help me manage my anxiety: Box Breathing. 

Here is a version of it with a little more grounding first, which I find extremely helpful. However you can totally just drop into the breath exercise. Choose your own adventure!

Grounding and Box Breathing:

Feel your feet on the floor. Feel the surface beneath you. Feel the magnetic pull of gravity holding you in place.

Take three deep breaths on your own timing.

When you’re ready, begin the box breathing:

Breathe in for a count of four (one alligator, two alligator, three alligator, four alligator…)

Hold full lungs at the top of your breath for a count of four

Exhale completely for a count of four

Hold empty lungs at the bottom of your breath for a count of four

Repeat the box breathing technique at least three times - or as many times as you need to feel calm again.

PRO TIP: The counting is there both to keep the breaths as even as possible, and as an anchor to keep the mind on the breath rather than all the other million things floating around in our brains.

You can do this breath practice anywhere - I have done it in the car before going into a show (and in the few seconds when the MC is announcing me right before I enter the stage), at the salon before working with a difficult client, before boarding a flight, outside of my car at the gas station when I locked my keys inside, when I randomly feel anxiety for no reason other than maybe I had too much sugar or caffeine. Seriously, ANYWHERE, and all you need is to remember to do it. You don’t need candles, incense, fancy meditation soundtracks - you can absolutely have those things, and they have their place as well, AND this practice can be as simple and uncomplicated as it gets, and you can pull it out WHENEVER and WHERE EVER you need it. This can take anywhere from a few seconds to ten minutes, depending on what’s going on, and what your needs are in the moment. 

As an extroverted introvert, I also find solitude to be a necessary part of my stillness and breath practice. I very much enjoy my extremely social and extroverted careers, spending time with my partner, my family and my friends, and even so I recharge better alone. Being alone allows me to sit with my shadows and, without distractions, I can converse with the parts of myself that might be feeling discomfort, and get to the root of what’s going on.

Introvert or not, I am also shy and can be extremely self-conscious, and so I’m often afraid to do things alone. BUT when I challenge myself to do something by myself, I often feel an empowering sense of freedom. When I’m alone, I can actually hear myself think, I am less self-conscious, and can be the truest version of myself because there’s nobody there who I am afraid might judge me or that I’ll feel the need to impress. I can just be, which allows me to go deeper into myself and deeper into my stillness and breath practice.

All this is to say that learning to stay grounded and calm through chaos is part of the larger practice of finding stillness and breath. My theory is this: By practicing stillness and breath in solitude the way we practice dance drills, technique and choreography, we are building emotional muscle that allows us to be more easily prepared to deal with unexpected chaos and uncertainty, and can consequently move through those unpleasant situations with more grace and ease, which reduces stress and anxiety in our lives for ourselves and also everyone we interact with. So when we find ourselves in stressful situations, our body can remember what to do.